“Men” is right there in “Mental Health”
On September 27, my brother Clay died by suicide. He was 56. He lived alone. When we talked, which wasn’t often, we chatted about baseball, books, the Marvel Universe, or great TV like Dexter, Ozark or Succession. We never had a conversation about mental health. The men in our family didn’t talk about those things.
Smart and curious, Clay knew every stat of every Blue Jay and Maple Leaf. He’d read every Stephen King story at least once. In a family of 7, he was our quiet one. Clay didn’t ask a lot of others. He didn’t ask for attention.
He didn’t ask for help.
I’d like to say we didn’t see this coming; that his family, friends and coworkers are shocked, saddened and overwhelmed – and beyond a doubt we are. But then, in the exploration of our loss, I’ve heard “we knew he was a bit depressed” and “he did seem to have a lot of anxiety” and “I guess maybe it’s not a surprise” and “I wish he had reached out”.
And even, “I wish I’d reached out to him more.” That one’s been on my mind a fair bit.
Clay and I were not close. I couldn’t find a photograph of us together to include with this profile. We were brothers more than friends. And as I continue to explore my relationship with him and his passing, I know for certain that one thing needs to happen:
We must break down the absolutely fucking constricting stigma men carry about our mental health and getting help.
One step I’m taking is to join the Movember movement for the first time. In honour of Clay, and as one small step toward my personal reconciliation with his passing, I’m letting my facial hair take a mind of its own. It won’t be pretty. It will be uncomfortable. Much like men talking about our mental health.
But I know once things get moving, I’ll get comfortable with it. I’ll learn how to manage it. Much like men talking about our mental health.
If you can help with a donation, or just by having a conversation with men you know about mental health and therapy, or taking a step towards your own mental wellness, that would be a nice way to help honour Clay’s memory and hopefully prevent another man taking his life.
D.
